Pierre Poilievre announced today that he plans to improve the cannabis industry once he becomes President of Canada.
“For too long Canada’s hard-working weed-growers have toiled under the yoke of the Trudeau government’s communist cannabis regime,” said the lifetime politician in a press conference in front of the unlicensed Four Seasons Dispensary in downtown Toronto this morning.
“Behind me is the true entrepreneurial spirit of Canada,” Polievre said, gesturing to the business. “Unencumbered by anything except cold, hard profits, the young men affiliated with this—not a black market business, not a grey market business, but a free market business—are the true inheritors of Canada’s cannabis culture—not these stuffy corporate stores,” he said before lighting a joint and promising to end legalization when he’s elected to the White House of Canada.
Those in the crowd responded well.
“He really gets us,” said one person in a “Fuck Trudeau” shirt, flat-brimmed sports hat, wearing a giant bong around his neck. “Cannabis people know the Conservatives have their back, just like they always did when Stephen Harper first legalized corporate weed ten years ago.”
While unavailable for comment as of press time, Trudeau’s government is reportedly expecting to hit a “reset button” on legalization in an attempt to undermine Poilevre’s popular policy proposal.
“He’s scrambling,” said one staffer who asked not to be named. “He’s holed himself up in his palace in Smiths Falls where he’s been meeting with members of MADD Canada and corporate cannabis CEOs who are carefully guiding his understanding of the nuances of Canadian cannabis culture.”
An armada of lobbyists are said to be descending upon Ottawa to get selfies with Poilievre.
Happy April Fool’s!
Pierre Poilievre announced today that he plans to improve the cannabis industry once he becomes President of Canada. Read More
